


Porny Pals

by hydromeow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks, Casual Sex, Established Relationship, Exhibitionism, Multi, Oral Sex, Threesome - F/M/M, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:10:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydromeow/pseuds/hydromeow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: I noticed you noticing me, and I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Porny Pals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elendraug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/gifts), [Maim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maim/gifts).



> Thanks again to elendraug for being my beta!!!!

timaeusTestified [TT] has created memo “Porny Pals”

timaeusTestified [TT] has added carcinoGeneticist [CG] to memo!

timaeusTestified [TT] has added grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] to memo!

TT: I have a proposition.

GA: What Kind Of Proposition

CG: JUDGING BY THE *OH SO CLEVER* REFERENCE TO HUMAN HOOFBEAST MEDIA IN THE TITLE, I DON'T HAVE HIGH HOPES FOR THIS PROPOSITION, DIRK.

TT: Well, Karkat, given that we're all consenting adults here, I wanted to say I've noticed you two noticing me and I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you, too. 

TT: Correct me if I'm being disgustingly anthropocentric here, but it looks like you want to get your junk all up in my junk.

GA: Oh

GA: Would You Believe Me If I Said It Was Merely A Craving For Human Blood

TT: Nah, you've just gotta ask and anyone here'll bust open a vein for you. I’m not an expert on this whole “body language” thing, but I've got a feeling I'm right.

CG: A GOOD FEELING? BECAUSE IF IT’S AN “UGH, GOD, THIS IS REALLY FUCKING CREEPY” FEELING, WE CAN LAY OFF, BACK OFF, THE WHOLE OFF-THEMED SHEBANG.

TT: It's more of a “you two are fuckin’ hot and we should do more than just make bedroom eyes at each other” feeling. You feel my feeling? 

GA: I Cant Speak For Karkat But 

GA: I Feel That Feeling

CG: ...WELP

CG: SINCE WE ALL APPEAR TO FEEL DIRK’S FEELING, I PROPOSE WE BRING THIS OUT OF THE PURELY EMOTIONAL REALM AND FEEL SOME OTHER THINGS INSTEAD.

CG: HOLY SHIT I SOUND LIKE A TOOL

TT: A _hot_ tool, though.

GA: Agreed

GA: So When Exactly Do We Plan To Feel More Than Feelings

 

* * *

 

Dirk leaned back against the headboard of his fancy-pants California King bed. Apparently human beds bore remarkable semblance to troll concupiscent couches. And while this particular bed had never been used like that, if everything went well, they’d be breaking it in tonight.  ‘They’ being Kanaya and Karkat, who'd both been pretty excited once Dirk explained his “Porny Pals Proposition.” Dirk was still having trouble believing they were cool with it. Goddamn.

 

For the moment, they were all sitting on Dirk’s bed and watching a movie. Dirk wasn't entirely sure he understood the plot--Kanaya and Karkat had chosen a troll movie, and there were plenty of obscure cultural references--but there sure were rainbow drinkers. In fact, one with elegantly sweeping horns and a ridiculously frilly outfit was currently seducing a troll woman in an equally frilly dress. It was cliche as shit, at least it was in human media, but Kanaya and Karkat seemed to be enjoying the movie _plenty._

 

They were enjoying it enough that Karkat leaned across Dirk’s lap to pull Kanaya into a kiss, pausing to grin slyly at Dirk when he knew he was watching. Jesus, that movie really _had_ gotten them in the mood. (The frilly rainbow drinker had drained the troll woman of blood and abandoned the corpse by this point, going unnoticed in the background. _Troll movies_ ).

 

Dirk leaned back against the headboard to better watch Karkat and Kanaya. Karkat was working to unclasp Kanaya’s bra, Kanaya had two handfuls of Karkat's ass, and they were both chirping and chattering like fuckin’ … cicadas on ecstasy. Damn.

 

“You two work fast for palemates,” Dirk remarked, quirking an eyebrow. Karkat pulled back, cheeks flushed, and rolled his eyes. There was a smear of jade lipstick on the corner of his mouth, and Kanaya looked pleased as fucking punch with herself.

 

“Yeah, well, fuck quadrants.” Karkat was unexpectedly flippant for someone who, as far as the stories went, was completely obsessed with romance and quadrants in general.

 

“And _fuck_ your quadrants,” Kanaya deadpanned, her expression amusingly serene considering her bra was unclasped under her shirt and she had a green hickey on her neck. Dirk noted this briefly; so rainbow drinkers _did_ have their own blood, still.

 

He probably would’ve gotten further sidetracked wondering exactly how rainbow drinker physiology worked, but wow hey, there was suddenly a very warm hand on the crotch of his jeans. This hand was connected to a very sexily-disheveled Karkat. _Nice._

 

“Unless I’m suffering from a sudden case of cerebral trauma and have manufactured some memories, I do distinctly remember you suggesting this be a threesome.” Damn; all sorts of novels described people purring, but Dirk was suddenly of the opinion that there was nothing quite as sexy as a troll actually purring while looking at you like you’re hot shit. The shiniest, steamiest turd on the heap. The human vocal equivalent just didn’t compare to trolls’ freaky bug noises.

 

“I mean,” Karkat continued, cupping Dirk’s dick in his hand and snapping him out of that particular train of thought, “Kanaya and I can pail whenever we like in our respective blocks, why’re we doing it here if you’re not going to whip out your weird human meat bulge?”

 

“As hot as that incredibly accurate description of my junk is, and as much as it gets me feeling frisky to hear you talk about my weird human meat bulge, had you considered I might want to watch?” Dirk smirked at Karkat’s obvious surprise. Sure, he planned on being an active participant soon enough, but if he was being offered a free ticket to the Kanaya-and-Karkat show, he wasn’t going to fucking complain. Assuming he _was_ offered a ticket and not just being a presumptuous dickhole.

 

Kanaya raised one perfectly penciled eyebrow. “If we’re going to be putting on a show, I’d expect our viewer to be providing something in return.” She glanced at Karkat’s hand still on Dirk’s clothed dick and gave an almost predatory smile.

 

Dirk’s dick throbbed. This was some fucking _xenomorph_ shit. Kanaya looked like she wanted to eat him, and in all honesty, Dirk was fine with that. They could lay their nasty alien grub eggs in him and it would still be hot. Up to and including death-by-troll-baby evisceration. Holy shit.

 

Kanaya pulled Karkat back towards her--and away from Dirk’s poor neglected dong, alas, it was not meant to be--and unbuttoned his jeans, sticking her manicured hand into his boxers.

 

His reaction was almost immediate. Karkat chirped approvingly and rocked into Kanaya’s hand, reaching up to thumb at the base of Kanaya’s forked horn in return.

 

Dirk didn’t expect his own sudden, sharp intake of breath. He couldn’t even see what was going on, really, but what he imagined was hot as fucking shit. By the way Kanaya’s wrist was angled, Dirk suspected she had a couple fingers in Karkat’s nook. Hopefully, pants would be coming off soon; what Dirk wouldn’t give to see that and also get his mouth on it. Karkat, as if he knew what Dirk was thinking, looked back towards him and grinned.

 

“Touch your cock, Dirk.”

 

Dirk made a choked noise, scrambling to lift his hips and push his pants and boxers down, before kicking them off. Taking care to make sure Karkat and Kanaya were watching, Dirk took his dick in hand, stroking up and down and rubbing his thumb across the head. Karkat chattered approvingly, and Kanaya’s glow increased pretty fucking significantly. Dirk wondered how many lux that would amount to, exactly. _If exposed to human dick, rainbow drinker glow increases by fifteen lux._ Or something. He knew a lot of shit, but Dirk wasn't a lux/lumens expert. Maybe he should ask Rose.

 

Karkat unbuttoned his own jeans and pushed them down past his knees so he was just in his boxers. Which was technically not naked, but Dirk’s mouth still went dry at the sight of Karkat’s bulge curling underneath the damp cloth. Kanaya pulled her hand out of Karkat’s boxers, and it came away glistening pink. Locking eyes with Dirk, she stuck her fingers in her mouth one at a time, making a show of licking them clean.

 

Dirk’s mouth was now approximately equivalent to the Serengeti-- before Fish Hitler flooded it, obviously. Jesus christ. He should’ve asked for a threesome sooner.

 

Karkat turned around to face Kanaya and tugged her skirt down, leaving her in a pair of black lacy panties, her bulge sliding out and smearing translucent jade along her thighs. Dirk wanted to lick it off her. Karkat licking it off her would’ve been pretty fucking nice too, though.

 

Instead, Karkat pecked Kanaya on the cheek and let her bulge curl around his fingers, smiling at the way her eyelashes fluttered when he moved his hand just right. For trolls, that was probably some kinky quadrant-smearing shit. Dirk wasn't particularly surprised; he'd had Karkat pegged as into that kind of snuggly thing. It _was_ a little funny to think that their cuddling-while-fucking routine was _deviant_ , though. Heh.

 

Kanaya took advantage of her free hands to pull off her shirt and unclasped bra, sighing in contentment. Her rumblespheres probably weren't much bigger than Karkat’s; Dirk hoped Karkat would join the topless party soon so he could find out. The dark grey smudges of Kanaya's grubscars contrasted sharply against her stark-white skin. Shit needed photographed.

 

Dirk stroked himself slowly, taking in the image Karkat and Kanaya made. They looked good together -- Karkat was shorter and built like a brick shithouse; stocky with a little pudge on his stomach and thighs. Kanaya, on the other hand, was tall with a sharply angular face and just a hint of curves. She looked fucking _elegant_.

 

“How's the show?” Karkat teased, raising his eyebrows. Dirk shrugged one shoulder, putting on an apathetic façade.

 

“There could be fewer clothes. Shit’s like watching a movie with half the screen covered, my dude.” Yeah, like watching the best fucking movie ever.

 

“How about you come take the clothes off, then?” Kanaya was a snark master even when getting a handjob, apparently. Karkat let Kanaya's bulge curl around his fingers, and she leaned over to palm him through his boxers. Hot damn, though. That was the kind of invitation Dirk could not refuse. He sat up and moved over to their part of the bed, getting between the two of them and putting his hands on Karkat’s hips.

 

“Show’s over,” Dirk leaned closer to kiss Karkat’s neck, tugging Karkat’s boxers down. Kanaya laughed and draped herself over Dirk’s back, hooking her thumbs into his own boxers in return. Goddamn, this went from plain sexy to sexy spoon-train in two seconds flat.

 

“I think the show’s just begun, actually.” She pulled his underwear down and wrapped her hand around Dirk’s dick, stroking up and down. Her grip was a little too loose, but Dirk couldn't be bothered to mind all that much -- he was fucking two incredibly hot aliens who also thought he was hot, presumably. Hashtag worth it.

 

As an added bonus, both of Dirk’s hands were free to stroke Karkat's fully unsheathed bulge and slick nook. Karkat's bulge curled around Dirk’s wrist, leaving a pink trail of genetic material, while he chirped encouragements. Dirk trailed the fingers of his other hand along the lips of Karkat’s nook, watching as a drop of lubricant ran down Karkat’s inner thigh. _Fuck,_ he wanted to lick that off him.

 

Kanaya pressed cool lips to the back of Dirk’s neck, sending a thrill up his spine when he felt the tips of her fangs scrape his skin.

 

“You should tease him,” she stage-whispered, and Dirk could feel her grin when Karkat looked towards the two of them and scowled.

 

“Shit, it’s like we’ve got some sort of connection. Can you read my mind, Maryam?” Dirk inhaled sharply and bucked his hips into her hand when Kanaya swiped her thumb over the head of his dick, smearing a bead of precome. Karkat watched this with an expression that could only be described as ‘hungry.’

 

“Are you going to finger me or not, Dirk?” Karkat raised an eyebrow at him and gestured to where Dirk’s hands had stopped moving, still on Karkat’s bulge and nook.

 

“I’ll get to it,” Dirk smirked and licked his fingers clean, “Eventually.”

 

“ _Rskt-_ okay. Fine! I'll just get myself off and you two heathens can _watch_. Take a fucking picture, ‘cause that's all you smug fucks are gonna get.” Karkat kicked his boxers off completely and leaned against a pile of pillows, trailing a hand down his thigh.

 

Now _this_ was a fucking show. Actually…

 

“If you're offering, yo, I'm willing to ride this metaphorical idea pony to completion. You got a phone?” Dirk looked over his shoulder at Kanaya, “Assuming you're both cool with it, of course.”

 

He could feel Kanaya shrug against his back, which was in all honesty pretty fucking weird.

 

“I'm more interested in being the one photographed, although I'm not sure where that plays into the hoofbeast metaphor.” Kanaya said, and Dirk could feel her talking against his back, too. Also weird.

 

“It … sounds pretty fucking hot, yeah.” Karkat nodded. “How about we --Kanaya and me, I mean-- do whatever the fuck we normally do while we're gleefully facefucking the entire concept of quadrants, and you can take pictures with my palmhusk?”

 

“Hot.”

 

Karkat sat up and rooted through the pockets of his discarded sweatpants until he pulled out a lumpy, square purple object -- the palmhusk. Jokes about difficulty using other people’s cameras aside, Dirk had no fucking clue how Alternian biotech worked. This was going to be an adventure in more ways than one.

 

“So, I’m assuming the interface is a little different than your standard Apple device, so how exactly do you snap sweet pixx on this thing?”

 

Karkat snorted and held it towards Dirk, screen-out. “You activate it by touching this pressernub here, and then you touch the symbol of the circle inside another circle, and that’ll turn on the camera, and then you touch the same symbol  again to take a picture. You’re smart, I’m sure you can manage it.”

 

Dirk smiled at the comment despite himself. Shit yeah he could manage it. Kanaya scooted over so she was next to Karkat and brushed a lock of hair out of her face.

 

“So … “ she cleared her throat, “Where did you want to start?” Dirk correctly assumes she isn’t talking to him; he wanted to start by taking pictures, obviously, and waited for Karkat’s response.

 

“Eat me out?”

 

Yes. Hell yes. Hell fucking _yes._ This is shit that will have Dirk going to the spank bank and cashing a motherfucking check. No, fuck that, he was going to go to the bank and tell them he wanted to take his choicest fantasies -- including this -- and start up a goddamn mutual fund. Diversify.

 

Kanaya nodded and leaned forward to kiss Karkat, pushing him back so he was again leaning on the ever-convenient mound of pillows. Dirk bit his lip at the way Karkat seemed to get so _into_ making out. He was, apparently, as dramatic about sex as he was about everything else. He had one hand on Kanaya’s ass and the other on one of her rumblespheres, and was already chirping again.

 

Kanaya, on the other hand, seemed… well, Dirk wasn’t exactly a fucking master at reading expressions and body language yet, but she seemed _really_ fucking tense.

 

“Yo, Kanaya, if you don’t want me to take pictures we can do something else.” A mutual fund was supposed to do well even if one particular investment didn’t work out, anyways.

 

Kanaya leaned back off Karkat, whose mouth was smeared with lipstick, and shook her head. “No, no. I suppose I’m just a... little unused to putting the goods on display. Not that it’s a _bad_ experience. If both of you are comfortable, I’d love to continue.”

 

Dirk nodded and gave a thumbs-up.

 

“I’d be more comfortable if you were still kissing me,” Karkat said, sticking his tongue out and reaching up to poke Kanaya’s face. Kanaya rolled her eyes in response and kissed Karkat’s cheek, working her way down to his neck --lingering there-- and further.

 

The way Kanaya’s skin bioluminesced made for interesting lighting, and made the contrast between her and Karkat even more stark. Dirk snapped several pictures on Kanaya’s meandering route to Karkat’s nook, and wondered if Dave would ever do a photoshoot with these two.

 

“Kanaya, _fuck me,_ in both the figurative exasperated sense and the literal please-get-your-mouth-on-my-junk sense. Foreplay’s important and all, but I’m fucking dying here.” Karkat paused to sigh dramatically and then to inhale. “If you don’t touch me soon there will be a literal puddle of my genetic fluids seeping into poor Dirk’s concupiscent platform.”

 

Dirk zoomed into Karkat’s mid-rant face and took a picture, letting himself smile slightly. That one was a keeper. A hilarious keeper. “I have no complaints. Drown me in your alien sex goo.”

 

“Patience is a virtue,” Kanaya grumbled, but judging by Karkat’s gasp it was plain she’d obliged and started eating him out in earnest. She was also making a striking pose, pale hands holding Karkat’s thighs --soft enough that her fingers sank in without much pressure -- apart and her own legs spread just enough that Dirk could see streaks of pale jade painting her inner thighs. Hott.

 

After the initial relief of finally being touched, though, Karkat’s expression verged back off into solidly ‘frustrated’ territory. Was that his normal sex face? Despite how grumpy Karkat purportedly was, Dirk doubted that. He was just about to ask what was up, did he have an issue with the picture taking, when Karkat voiced his own concerns. Loudly.

 

“ _Kanaya, do you want me to have an orgasm some time in the next fucking century or are you waiting for my genitals to explode here!!”_ Karkat’s face was red with more than arousal this time, and he gave Kanaya a pointed glare when she surfaced for oxygen. Dirk snorted-- Kanaya was pretty red-faced (and red foreheaded and red haired) too.

 

“What?” Kanaya wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and furrowed her brow. “Did you not want me to eat you out? Were the pictures coming out badly?”

 

“No,” Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly embarrassed, “I want you to eat me out! I love that, it’s the best, you’re the best. It’s just not the best right now, I feel like I’m getting off-brand generic Kanaya mouth instead of the real deal. What’s the problem, man?”

 

Kanaya’s cheeks turned a faint green underneath the translucent red smears she’d yet to wipe off. “I may have, um, been posing a little bit. For the pictures, to make them nice. It was hard to keep my head at a photogenic angle without stabbing you in the legs with my horns, which in retrospect was probably not the best oral technique I’ve ever employed.”

 

Dirk laughed under his breath and glanced back down at Karkat’s palmhusk, flipping through the pictures. Damn, she sure wasn’t lying. The pictures _were_ pretty, in a staged kind of way, but he bet they’d be 1111% hotter if she just did like she normally do. Karkat seemed to agree.

 

“Okay, we can delete all the pictures you don’t like at the end, but _please_ just pail me like normal. My bulge is actually starting to hurt and I fear for my continued surviva- _ahh,_ fuck, yes good, faster.”

 

Fuck. Dirk used his free hand to palm himself, snapping a few more pictures. Kanaya and Karkat were fucking _phenomenal_ together when they weren’t trying to perform. Dirk’s mutual masturbation fund was going to make a fucking killing in fantasy cash.

 

With Kanaya finally focusing on eating him out, Karkat was back to being as enthusiastically dramatic as ever. He’d gone from talking to them both in English to chattering in Alternian, the hand that wasn’t touching his bulge tearing claw-sized holes into one of the pillows. Dirk, in unrelated news, had a new favorite pillow.

 

“Wait wait wait Kanaya hang on, one second.” Karkat sat up suddenly, breathing heavily, and pulled Kanaya up. She did not look gruntled. The corner of Dirk’s mouth twitched up in a smile; were they always playing the sexy version of red-light-green-light? Was this version even sexy?

 

“Hang on, I know I just whined about not getting off fast enough but if we’re indulging this whole exhibitionism/voyeurism thing there’s something I want to do. Can I see my palmhusk for just a second, Dirk?”

 

“Sure thing, dude. ‘S yours, after all.” Dirk passed the palmhusk over to Karkat, who fiddled with it for a few seconds before promptly handing it back.

 

“What’d you do?” Kanaya looked at Karkat quizzically, one brow arched. Karkat shrugged and stroked his bulge, casual as could be.

 

“I changed the settings so the camera makes noise when you take a picture. I want to hear when he takes pictures of us.”

 

Dirk raised his eyebrows. So _this_ was how it was gonna play out. Fuck yeah. He could get behind watching these two go at it (and Karkat getting off on being watched, ell bee arr) forever. As long as the stop-and-go stuff stopped, anyway -- his dick hurt. He imagined Karkat and Kanaya’s weren’t faring much better. Troll blue balls (or red or green shameglobes or whatever) had to be hell.

 

Kanaya made a rasping chirr in response to Karkat and spread his legs, her fingers digging into the soft part of his thighs, and put her mouth back against his nook.

 

_Click. Click._

 

Jesus. Dirk held up the phone with one hand -- the shots would be a little wobbly, so what -- and stroked himself, his fingers hurried but his attention on the two in front of him. Every time he snapped a picture and the palmhusk made its corresponding click, he could see Karkat glance over at him like he was making sure he was still watching.

 

Dude was really into it, too; all arching up against Kanaya’s mouth and making loud, enthusiastic chattering noises. A good half of it was probably for show, but the knowledge that Karkat was putting on the show _for_ Dirk was… damn.

 

“Oh, fuck, fuck, Kanaya,” Karkat chirped, his hands petting Kanaya’s horns and hair in encouragement. He glanced sideways and purred, gaze intense and smoldering as fuck. “ _Dirk.”_

 

Oh fuck was right. This kills the man. Dirk let out a choked whimper and came into his hand. He dropped the palmhusk, but not before managing to get a blurry photo that wouldn't do justice to the image of Kanaya and Karkat together.

 

Once the pleasure ebbed, Dirk looked up to Kanaya and Karkat watching him with no small measure of surprise.

 

“That was fucking _hot_ ,” Karkat said, breathless and grinning with all his teeth. Kanaya nodded, a drop of red dripping off her chin and onto one rumblesphere. She looked immaculate.

 

“Get over here,” she said, her voice rich with alien vocal subharmonics that Dirk was sure had hidden meanings.

 

Dirk wiped himself off on a sheet and got over there, awkwardly knee-shuffling to where they were. He raised one eyebrow and smirked.

 

“So,” Dirk channeled his best corny porn star voice, “how do you want me?”

 

Kanaya and Karkat looked at each other for a moment before Kanaya shrugged. “How do _you_ want you?” she asked, absentmindedly petting Karkat’s thigh.

 

Dirk pretended to think this over real fuckin’ hard for a moment. _Hmm,_ what could he possibly want to do with two sexy aliens….

 

“Let me suck your bulges and bukkake on my face like it's Christmas up in this bitch. Ho ho ho.”

 

Karkat snorted and sat up fully, his expression a mixture of amusement and genuine interest. “Like both of us? At the same time?”

 

“You heard me.”

 

“You do realize that the bukkake will be not only on your face, but your hair, neck, and potentially your shoulders and chest.” Kanaya’s tone was serious, but the corner of her mouth was quirked up in a smile. Judging by that and the way she was just diving into Karkat’s red sea like it was the last water on earth and she was a dying woman, Dirk suspected she has no objections to this.

 

Fuck yes. “Fuck yes.”

 

“Well, then,” Karkat laughed and got up on his knees next to Kanaya, reaching over to pull Kanaya’s panties off. Damn. Her bulge was long and thin compared to Karkat’s short and thick, and hers curled, whiplike, around his. Dirk felt a throb in his flaccid dick at the way their synchronized moans harmonized. Jesus christ, he was fucked.

 

“Go for it,” Karkat said, tone chipper. And go for it Dirk would. He was going to get a fucking gold medal in dual alien dicksucking, everyone else would be going home disappointed. That's right, he was going to win so fucking hard no one else would get a medal, everyone go home, show’s over. Or, uh, something.

 

“Aren't you worried about teeth?” Dirk had to ask, okay. There was no fucking way he could imagine someone letting Kanaya’s needle teeth near their love noodle.

 

Karkat's expression was unimpressed. Kanaya, on the other hand, was bemused. “Do you think this is the first time someone’s offered us a blowjob?” She grinned. “We're well versed in the wonders of the human mouth.”

 

Dirk snorted and smiled despite himself. Well, that explained it. He didn’t have to think all that hard to figure out who’d given them their introductory course, either. Duh.

 

He was more than ready to go to town, but figuring out the logistics of how to get mouth to crotch took a few moments of thought. Eventually, Dirk settled on getting onto his hands and knees, using one hand to guide Karkat and Kanaya’s still-entwined bulges into his mouth.

 

“Oh, fuck,” Kanaya breathed, her eyes closing. Karkat chirped his agreement, and cupped Kanaya’s chin to pull her into a kiss. Dirk found himself wishing he could be in multiple places at once -- he’d love to get a better angle to watch them.

 

Oh fuck was right, though -- while Karkat and Kanaya’s bulges had stayed coiled when exposed to the air, once they were in the relative warmth and softness of his mouth they separated, each looking for a nook to slide into. Dirk gagged briefly at the unfamiliar feeling before closing his eyes and relaxing.

 

Once he got used to the feeling of bulges curling in his mouth, it was hot as fuck. The weight of their bulges against his tongue, the way they dripped alien lubricant that colored his lips red and green; fuck, the temperature difference between Kanaya and Karkat was hot, too. No pun intended.

 

Dirk glanced up again at the sound of Kanaya chirping. Karkat had one hand on her waist, thumbing at her grubscars, and the other hand on one of her rumblespheres. Kanaya purred -- an alien, chirring sound in no way like a cat’s -- and mouthed at Karkat’s neck. What little remained of Kanaya’s lipstick made a nice contrast with Karkat’s hickies. He was probably wearing more of her lipstick than she was now, goddamn.

 

Kanaya cupped one of Karkat’s rumblespheres in her hand and flicked her thumb over Karkat’s troll nip. Dirk was a little unclear on what purpose those served besides being erogenous zones, but they did that pretty well.

 

Dirk opened his mouth a little wider -- it hurt a bit, but like fuck was he going to give subpar head -- and took in a little more of their bulges.

 

“Fuck!” Karkat gasped and reached down to start petting Dirk’s hair. “You’re really good at this, oh my god, I’m getting close.”

 

That was. Goddamn. Dirk found himself smiling as best he could with two bulges in his mouth. Karkat had, essentially, been on an edging adventure this whole time, so Dirk wasn’t surprised he was already getting close. Kanaya seemed a little more composed, but not by much.

 

She reached down to pet at Dirk’s hair, too.That affection from both Kanaya and Karkat was turning him on just as much as giving them head did; he was getting hard again. There was really no way to jack himself off like this, though. Dirk used one hand to reach up and stroke the bases of their bulges, instead.

 

Karkat chattered something in what Dirk assumed was Alternian before pulling Kanaya back into a kiss tender enough to make romance novels jealous, and coming hard.

 

There was, uh. Less genetic material from his bulge than Dirk had expected. It seemed to come mostly from Karkat’s nook, which meant the bukkake was primarily lubricant and not actual troll jizz. It was still hot as fuck, even if they’d neglected a bucket and Karkat had come all over Dirk’s bed. Kanaya was about to make a sweet tie-dye job out of it, too.

 

Karkat hissed, oversensitive, and pulled out of Dirk’s mouth. Both he and Dirk redoubled their focus on Kanaya; Dirk focusing on giving the best head of his motherfucking life, and Karkat mouthing at Kanaya’s nipples.

 

Kanaya smiled at both of them, purring. “Keep going, I’m getting -- ah, I’m getting close.”

 

“Hell yes.” Karkat smiled and glanced down at Dirk. “You’re doing fucking awesome, dude.”

 

Kanaya’s bulge coiled in Dirk’s mouth, and he reciprocated with his tongue to the best of his ability. When he flicked his tongue against a particularly sensitive spot on her bulge, Kanaya’s hand in his hair tightened and she moaned outright.

 

Dirk put the one free hand he could risk using to good use one more time, letting his fingers drift off the base of Kanaya’s bulge and towards her nook. Her hips rocked sharply in response, and she chirped in encouragement.

 

He couldn’t keep up the fingering for long before he risked falling over in a stunning display of failure, but he didn’t really need to. It was only a few minutes more before Kanaya’s breath hitched and she came with a chorus of chirping and clicking. Surprisingly, she was louder than Karkat when she came. Unsurprisingly, Dirk’s bedding was completely fucking soaked.

 

Unsurprisingly, again, Dirk was just as hard as before. He pulled off Kanaya’s receding bulge and flopped back on the other, dryer side of his bed. Karkat snorted a laugh.

 

“Dirk, that was fucking excellent. I’d tell you more, but right now I need several gallons of water and I’m sure Kanaya does too. I’ll be back with drinks and an in-depth report.”

 

Dirk raised an eyebrow and wiped off some of the genetic material from his mouth. Karkat didn’t ask for directions to the kitchen or anything, so hopefully he found his way around without too much trouble. There was a beat of silence after he left, neither Dirk nor Kanaya saying anything, before Kanaya cleared her throat.

 

“So.” She paused and glanced pointedly down at Dirk’s crotch, smirking. Specifically, his dick. “Unless I’m mistaken, you’re aroused.”

 

Dirk grinned. “Unless I’m mistaken, you’re right. Gonna do anything about it?”

 

Kanaya scooted over and rested her hand on his thigh, slowly trailing her hand up to his dick. “I might.”

 

“I might enjoy that,” Dirk replied, reaching up to brush some of Kanaya’s hair behind her ear. Her smile widened, and she stroked him in earnest, using her thumb to smear a bead of precome over his foreskin. Dirk’s breath hitched, and he moaned when she leaned in to kiss him, the points of her teeth just barely poking his bottom lip.

 

“Alright, I got the water, let’s --” Karkat paused in the doorway, a smile spreading over his face. “Oh. _Nice._ I fucking love human refractory periods, holy shit.”

 

He flopped onto the bed, setting the water aside, and picked up his palmhusk from where it had been left.

 

_Click._

 

Fuck yes.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate formatting pesterlogs


End file.
